Post Jeremy Kraft and Pre Ray Porter

There’s a line at the beginning of the movie, ShopGirl, that perfectly articulates how I feel about my life right now – all my chances, possibilities, and work – are all just pending, hanging around, increasing my appetite with possibilities. There are so many maybes, almosts, not quites. But in the end – still no dice.

Or maybe it’s a reflection of the uncertainty I feel inside. If I’m not clear on my intentions or what I want, then my life will manifest itself that way.  I understand the logic that in order for something to happen, there needs to be space for it. So until that space is clear, nothing can take its place. But is it a crime to be cautious?

It’s also interesting how I feel like I resemble an aspect of each character: Mirabelle with her naivety and search for tenderness, Ray, with his belief that only wanting a part of someone will lessen the pain of when they leave, and finally, Jeremy, in his awkward yet endearing attempts to find his way to love another.

I feel like I’m frantically trying to solve a rubix cube – that if somehow all the colours are the same it will mean something. When really, it’s the same square, the same colour box, placed somewhere else.

“…but the pile of near misses is starting to overwhelm me.”

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