Attachment Theory

You are  not your job. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. Tyler Durden, Fight Club

I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions lately. And living in different stories. And wondering, always wondering.

I’ve been unemployed for almost a month now and while it undoubtedly was the right decision for me, I’m now in a place where I don’t have a job to identify with. This has given me a lot of time for self-reflection and to ask who I think I am and who I want to be.  In addition to my job – I’ve also been thinking about other labels I hold on to and identify with. What kind of friend am I? What does it say about me if I engage in these activities? Do I have enough adventure in my life? How do my professional accomplishments measure up to this ambiguous definition of success? I feel this intense pressure to have succinct answers for these questions and fear that without them, it somehow implies that I have some kind of character flaw and my unclear sense of self means that I’m not destined for happiness and that I’ll be revealed as an epic failure. I desperately want to be able to provide answers, to not feel the need to prove myself, to not constantly wonder if I’m doing enough, or worry that I’m doing something wrong. I just want to whole-heartedly believe that I am, in fact, good enough and worth it, that I’m not prone to making bad decisions and this propensity isn’t a permanent character trait of mine.

I seem unwilling to let go of these labels and my past decisions and as a result, it’s making me so terribly sad and increasingly disconnected.

I sincerely hope that I one day work hard enough that I will not hesitate to be proud of the life I have built for myself and welcome all the love and connections available to me.