Uncertainty

Uncertainty by Cristina B 

I got my heart broken on Tuesday, so I figure the blog was due for an update.

Uncertainty lead me here. But so did courage.

After the year long emotional struggle with *Tyler  I thought it would be a long time before I would meet someone who excited me. I met a few guys and went on some dates, and while they pursued me, I didn’t feel a spark. But one evening in May at a friend’s BBQ I almost didn’t go to, I met him.

I didn’t notice him much at first, but when I discovered he was going to a music festival, my ears perked up and he piqued my interest. At a closer observation, I thought he was cute. He has a some scruffy facial hair, lovely blue eyes and this skinny-hipster Hugh Jackman thing going on. We ended up talking and flirting and a few days later, we set up our first date.

On the first date, we started at an ice-cream shop where we tried out bizarre flavours like lemon-basil and durian and then strolled around the neighbourhood. I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. I hadn’t had that good of a first date in years. Midway through the first date, I knew I wanted him to ask me for a second date, and he did. In fact, he set himself up for several future dates. And the dates just got better and better. He made me laugh, held my hand in his pocket when I was cold, kissed my cheeks constantly, adored me and was so sweet. We talked about dreams and aspirations, made plans to go snowboarding in the winter and had random dance parties anywhere and everywhere. He told me about his family and showed me pictures of when he was younger. I felt like we were on track to something deep and meaningful.

But sometime in the wonderfulness, I started noticing that I didn’t have certain feelings and physical reactions I did with the others I dated. As much as Tyler was a world-class douche bag to me, my heart would race when I saw a text message from him. I thought about *Ryan and wanted to send him music links all the time. While I would be excited for our date, my stomach never fluttered and my heart never raced. But I dismissed these thoughts because I knew he treated me well and that I enjoyed spending time with him. I just chalked up my thoughts to being paranoid and living in past experiences.

I also hadn’t thought much about having that conversation of whether or not we were a couple. We were acting like it and I wasn’t interested in looking for anyone else. He bought me a toothbrush for when I slept over, we took each other to the airport and I spent an hour helping him with his resume and CV. I never felt the pressure to define things and I just knew that I liked him and wanted to see where things went.

He went to visit family and friends back home in Montreal for 16 days and I missed him. There were phone calls and text messages all throughout. I was excited for when he got back.

He brought back his snowboard so we could go snowboarding in the winter.

Despite all of this and my affection for him, I still had doubts and wondered about the depth of my feelings. And then after a wonderful, long date we were in bed joking around and the question of what we were came up.

I couldn’t answer. A long silence hung in the air. He pressed on– “you didn’t answer my question.” I still couldn’t answer. After some hard conversation, when I finally could speak, we decided that we would try, and that we were a couple.

But it didn’t change anything, really. My feelings for him didn’t grow deeper. And I felt him pulling away. But rather than talking about it, I let a story build in my head about him and I also pulled away. I didn’t say I missed him too when he said he missed me, I didn’t show my appreciation as much and I didn’t let him hold my hand when we were hanging out with his friend *Jackie.

Then I got mad at him and turned away when he wanted a kiss.

I got home and felt awful and was scared to not have him in my life. I thought it made me realize that I wanted to work on things, to give myself to him fully, to take it to a deeper level, because the thought of not having him in my life made me so sad. My plan was to tell him how I felt and that I was ready and I wanted to work on things. I apologized and made a plan to meet him on at the beach. It occurred to me that I could put my heart on the line and he would have already changed his mind. But I had to try.

So, on a beautiful day on the beach while the sun was setting, I told him that I wanted to try and that I wanted him in my life, but in the end, we broke up.

It was too late and he couldn’t feel that way about me anymore.

I couldn’t believe it. It felt so sudden. I couldn’t sleep the entire night and had anxiety at work. I had to work so hard to not burst into tears in front of people. He was so good to me. And I felt like I was too late to offer my heart.

I crashed the day after and could finally sleep. I woke up in the morning and perspective had decided to visit me. There was no more anxiety in my chest and I didn’t feel like I was going to spontaneously burst into tears. I was on the mend. I realized and started to accept the fact that it was over. He was honest with himself while we were together and put the effort in because he knew what he wanted from me. I knew what he wanted and was never sure if it was what I wanted to give him, and he felt it. I was scared to lose him because I care about him so much and didn’t want to let go of the possibility of it being more. But after all this time, and as the cliché goes, ‘you just know’ and I didn’t which meant that I didn’t truly want it. He knew that it wasn’t going to work and didn’t fight for it.

Alas, we are both free to find relationships that truly fulfill us and offer us what we want from life.

I feel like it’ll be a long time before I meet someone I want to spend time with, but the possibility is there.

It’s only three months and in the greater scheme of my life, it’ll be a short period in my life, but now I know what it’s like to be adored.

D,

I miss you a lot and am sad that you are not a part of my life anymore. Thank you for holding my hand in your pocket when I was cold, the aquarium, all the kisses on my cheeks, taking the train with me to the airport, calls and text messages to see how I was doing, the toothbrush, renting a car to take my friends and I to Foster the People, not pressuring me to do anything I didn’t want to, making fun of me when I didn’t know the proper lyrics to the Ruff Ryders anthem, coming to a challenging yoga class with me, not carrying my cardigan and making it so funny, making me watch Super Troopers, telling me about your family and friends, the montreal-style date that was, indeed, an epic culinary experience, and most of all, thank you for taking a chance with me but in the end, being honest to yourself.

I’m sad I missed out on meeting your family, buying you Christmas and birthday gifts, creating vision boards, congratulating you when you get the job of your dreams, getting mad at you for something silly, snowboarding and surfing adventures, cooking you dinner, being your support when you need, late night conversations about our futures, make-up sex, and other crazy adventures that make up a meaningful relationship.

My heart hurts that you had almost everything on my list and still weren’t the one for me.

*Names have not been changed because they will never come across this blog.

 

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