Let yourself be seen, truly seen

Love

“We dress rehearse tragedy to beat vulnerability to the punch” – Brené Brown

I never thought it would happen that way.

I imagined that when I finally said it, we’d smile and kiss and then fireworks would go off behind us, a 40-piece orchestra would be playing and doves would be released in the air–you know, shit you saw in movies.

But it didn’t. In reality, before I said it, I went inwards and started catastrophizing what might happen. I did that quiet and distant thing I do to protect myself and sabotage things. I started to wonder, what does it all mean? How can I know if it’s enough? It was so much to process. I kept wondering what if my feelings are wrong and I’m not ready? What if I need more experience? And do I have what it takes to work through all the bad stuff with him? All these worries swam around in my head but I finally turned to him and broke down.

I started to tear up  cry and confessed what had been on my mind. 

I can’t quite remember everything that followed. I remember a lot of [what I feel like was] blabbering, a lot of apologizing for the unexpected eruption of emotions and me, watching his face while he tried to process it all. He consoled me and was there in a gentle, conscientious way that was very mature and sincere.

I cried the rest of the night and couldn’t sleep much. The last time I remember being that restless was after my last breakup.

The next morning, I went to work and still had trouble processing it all. My fears came to the surface in full force and I was mildly embarrassed that my emotions had come out that way. I finally realized that I was emotional because I wanted a guarantee. I wanted to know it would work out. That it was for sure. I didn’t like not knowing.

After realizing this, I felt like I needed some grounding and re-watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk about the Power of Vulnerability. It reminded me that the feelings I felt meant that I was alive. I had opened myself up enough to be seen by another and felt embarrassed so I started to catastrophize things and feared something bad would happen.

I watched a few more Brené Brown videos and started to feel my fear settle. I decided that I will look at this as a sign of growth and that I’m exploring a world outside my comfort zone. It’s all so scary and new and I really can’t know how it’ll all unfold. The only thing I can do is to stretch out my arms with my palms open to the Universe and let things unfold as they will.

 

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