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Attachment Theory

You are  not your job. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. Tyler Durden, Fight Club

I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions lately. And living in different stories. And wondering, always wondering.

I’ve been unemployed for almost a month now and while it undoubtedly was the right decision for me, I’m now in a place where I don’t have a job to identify with. This has given me a lot of time for self-reflection and to ask who I think I am and who I want to be.  In addition to my job – I’ve also been thinking about other labels I hold on to and identify with. What kind of friend am I? What does it say about me if I engage in these activities? Do I have enough adventure in my life? How do my professional accomplishments measure up to this ambiguous definition of success? I feel this intense pressure to have succinct answers for these questions and fear that without them, it somehow implies that I have some kind of character flaw and my unclear sense of self means that I’m not destined for happiness and that I’ll be revealed as an epic failure. I desperately want to be able to provide answers, to not feel the need to prove myself, to not constantly wonder if I’m doing enough, or worry that I’m doing something wrong. I just want to whole-heartedly believe that I am, in fact, good enough and worth it, that I’m not prone to making bad decisions and this propensity isn’t a permanent character trait of mine.

I seem unwilling to let go of these labels and my past decisions and as a result, it’s making me so terribly sad and increasingly disconnected.

I sincerely hope that I one day work hard enough that I will not hesitate to be proud of the life I have built for myself and welcome all the love and connections available to me.

Post Jeremy Kraft and Pre Ray Porter

There’s a line at the beginning of the movie, ShopGirl, that perfectly articulates how I feel about my life right now – all my chances, possibilities, and work – are all just pending, hanging around, increasing my appetite with possibilities. There are so many maybes, almosts, not quites. But in the end – still no dice.

Or maybe it’s a reflection of the uncertainty I feel inside. If I’m not clear on my intentions or what I want, then my life will manifest itself that way.  I understand the logic that in order for something to happen, there needs to be space for it. So until that space is clear, nothing can take its place. But is it a crime to be cautious?

It’s also interesting how I feel like I resemble an aspect of each character: Mirabelle with her naivety and search for tenderness, Ray, with his belief that only wanting a part of someone will lessen the pain of when they leave, and finally, Jeremy, in his awkward yet endearing attempts to find his way to love another.

I feel like I’m frantically trying to solve a rubix cube – that if somehow all the colours are the same it will mean something. When really, it’s the same square, the same colour box, placed somewhere else.

“…but the pile of near misses is starting to overwhelm me.”

My boy builds coffins with hammers and nails

[Sketch is from 2001]

“We began to recognize in them a strange obsession. After all, they are emotionally inexperienced, with only a few years in which to store up the experiences which you and I take for granted. If we gift them with a past, we create a cushion or a pillow for their emotions, and consequently, we can control them better.” Blade Runner, 1982

The World is Yours

Lilac Wine from Matthew Landa on Vimeo.

Okay. I have to say this.

I’ve had a pretty amazing summer. The unfortunate part is that I’ve only started to really realize and enjoy that fact now.

I remember going to an Anusara inspired yoga class taught by Sjanie McInnis (Shan-ee) and she spoke about internal shifts. For a while when she was practicing a lot of yoga and travelling, she felt like the world was hers. A lot of things were happening for her, and to quote her, “everything was coming up Sjanie!” But then, a time came when these external changes came to a lull, and her feeling of empowerment subsided. What she found was the power of small internal shifts that happen within us, rather than the things that happen to us externally that, overtime, become incredible, long lasting changes within us and impact our capacity to enjoy the external things.

So, for however long this lasts, I’d like to record this moment in my life where I am open to internal shifts, and be grateful for the hardships and good times. In (my) reality, the hardships aren’t actually all that bad, but the good times and things that bring me joy? Those are definitely fucking fantastic.

For example, I’d like to start with the above motion graphic video from Blind Creative. It represents love for me in two ways. One being my love for motion graphics and music, and the other being my love and adoration I have for my friends. Sometimes I forget how much I love typography and graphic design. Even though I generally talk about it a lot with friends like A-Dawg, I forget that it’s something that grounds me. Obsessing over drawing an ampersand allows me to escape, to focus on something that I am interested in, and reminds me that I have something in my life that I thoroughly enjoy.


I have my friends. Like the one who sent me the above link. They’ve seen me through a lot and have been patient with my incessant inquiries (mostly about dating – haha) and struggles. It’s those small moments when I really know how much they love me and how much fun I have with them that I’m starting to appreciate more and more. I love when moments of appreciation spring from small events, like chatting and joking around during a road trip, being sent the above motion graphic because it was something I might like (Even though I found out that he sent it to five other people minutes after…but I don’t mind. It’s the thought that counts, right?! :P) or being offered straightforward wisdom as simple as “Everything ends. It’s just a matter of timing.” ( Alexandru Totolici, 2010). It’s those small moments where I really feel connected to my friends and remember that I live a charmed life.

Big moments make me realize this, too. I got to travel 16,000 miles to one of the most beautiful places on earth and shared it with someone I’d like to stay friends with for the rest of my life. Beautiful beaches, So You Think You Can Swin Dance routines, and Bali sunsets wouldn’t have been nearly as beautiful without her.

Yup. I’d have to say that summer was pretty amazing and filled with all kinds of love. Not romantic love because that (or the opportunity for that this summer with a particular someone) has ended, but the love that a new friend, Something She Dated also blogged about: ‘The kind of love that doesn’t care about douche bags and boys’. The love that’s all around you, always.

Ps: I also realized that if I write one more damn post about something depressing and serious, I run the risk of categorizing this blog as ’emo’. So, razorblades aside, I’m going to take each day as it comes, with a balanced amount of eager anticipation for what is in store for the fall.


Our Real Discoveries Come From Chaos

Thank you, Summer for surprising me and reminding me that things change and we all eventually move on.

I just realized that the letter ‘i’ could be tracked out a little bit.

Ruby in the Dust

The closest thing to admitting how I’m feeling at the moment

If I were to be vaguely honest…


Maybe not the “I love you part”…but everything else.

Tell me why the caged heart beats

[Last of the Heart Series]
“If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small, and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; we don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.” via Anna Cinense.

Sometimes I feel like I’m slowly losing my sense of wonder. In the last…(counts in head) year and a bit, I feel like my enthusiasm and curiosity beginning to dull, and I’m letting my circumstances determine who I become or how I react. In December, I was offered the job I am currently working at. It took me a long time and many conversations with many friends before I decided to take the temporary position. The deciding factor? Money.

At the time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let go of a part time job that I really loved, but knew if I did both, it would mean working 7 days a week, weeks at a time – again (I did this during two four month co-op terms, and burnt out by the end of each of term). While thinking about what I should do, I shared with a friend my dilemma, and the friend told me that I’ll have to sacrifice something – I couldn’t have it all. Out of all the friends I sought advice and input from, this friend was the only one who put it so clearly. Sacrifice. I couldn’t have it both ways.

I don’t necessarily regret taking on this position, as it has enabled me to pursue other goals, but I do know that it’s not the kind of work I want to be doing for the rest of my life. What worries me is how I’ve seriously considered (many times) about sacrificing, or giving up on my dreams just to sustain a certain quality of life. I’ve thought about delaying school and working so I can live a the life so many people my age are living and succumb to the definition of what my mother considers a responsible adult, and work towards being on par with my peers, as I know the whole “follow-your-dreams” thing won’t be glamourous. And in a sense, stop seeking the unknown.

Just the other day, I had a discussion with a friend about how her life has changed in the last little while. Two years ago, she sacrificed a job that she also loved (how we met, actually), took out a loan and pursued hair dressing school. She loved it, but shortly after working in the industry, she came to the conclusion that despite her passions, finances and stability became a factor in whether or not she would keep with it. While she hasn’t given up on hair dressing completely, she just knows that, as of right now, in order to meet the basic needs, she’ll have to give it up for the time being. We talked about how easy following your dreams can look, but there are indeed a lot of uncertainties and sacrifices that come with it.

So, what I’m pondering about is whether balance is possible and whether or not our passions and dreams offer us freedom or if it’s just another form of imprisonment. Must we pursue our passion with the kind of extremity that we have to sacrifice other parts of our lives that also really matter? And if we don’t, does that mean we believe in our dreams less? Will it mean that we didn’t fight hard enough? Do I just watch too many movies and have read too many “How to Succeed in Business” type books? Or am I just being a brat who is suffering from an obnoxious sense of entitlement to have both?

In no way do I feel like I will forfeit my main life goals, I’m just admitting that I find the decisions I have to and choose to make are becoming increasingly more difficult, and that I fear that one day I won’t want to offer myself to the unknown because I’m too afraid to fail.

But, with a dose of perspective, I’m lucky to still be in the position where fulfilling my dreams is possible. While I know stability and certainty is comforting, it won’t make my heart skip a beat nor will it inspire me to create more. I feel slightly embarrassed that I consider this an issue, as my circumstances are far from dire and could be (God forbid) a lot worse. While my sense of wonder wanes from time to time, I really hope I can still continue to offer myself to the unknown.


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